Fear, The Ultimate Paper Tiger

 

This move to LA has rearranged and redefined the word, fear for me. It is an emotion that strangles, induces self doubt and the mother and root to anxiety. The actual move wasn’t the fear factor, though it came with its’ anxieties, it is what has happened since.

 

Growing up in Alabama was limiting for me. It’s a place where things are actually black and white, growth is slow and not always mature, and difference is scarce and frowned upon. It was smothering and frankly I was bored. Within years of boredom, I lived a lot in my head creating fears and I was unknown to my own potential. Los Angeles has given me life. This sunny concrete jungle has exposed the bones and flesh of what I consider the real me.

After almost a year I believe it’s time to write a personal and vulnerable list of these “fears” and accomplishments I have conquered and some of the fears that still tug at me.

 

  1. Surviving in LA

People fueled me with doubt about me moving to one of the most expensive cities on Earth, with nobody and no job. Inside I had no doubt about my ability to pull this off, but there were few positive reactions to this news and that pressure can add up. Well bite into this: three weeks after college I jumped in my car with my two friends and a tent and drove out here. I have an apartment downtown, crazy friends, worked for crazy bosses and I’m headed to SouthEast Asia in six months. Their fear versus my impulsivity is the reason why those people never left their hometown and I live the life I have now.

2. I interviewed and wrote an article on a celebrity. 

3. I learned how to do a headstand off of a Groupon in a posh SilverLake Yoga studio.

4. I went to the doctor. 

Yes, that is a fear.

5. I worked for an impossible boss

The minute I finished my interview, I knew this was going to be the most challenging job I have had yet. I landed a position with a top fashion photographer, who was my mirror opposite in personality, work etc… Through the name calling, the screams and fits I stuck through. After many panic attacks and eye opening experiences, I am grateful for what I have learned and that I accepted the challenge.

6. I am published in a Fashion Magazine

Then realized I don’t like or care about Gucci’s next Summer line or Gigi Hadid’s new hairstyle.

6. My first boyfriend.

Concerning boys, I have always felt unloved. Growing up in Alabama the boys never liked me. They did not pay attention to me, and if they did it was for disrespectful reasons. I truly thought there was something wrong with me. That being creative and different was the reason, and I thought I would die never being loved. Moving to LA I have met all kinds of interesting guys, but one man in particular has shown me this love. I had some time in LA before I met him, and I didn’t feel alone when I was. LA has made me gain more respect for myself and began to start understanding and accepting myself. With this new sense of  acceptance and even fondness for myself I can properly be there for him.

6. My first guy best friends

As you learned, boys in Alabama are a certain breed. They wear short shorts, pink polo’s, drive loud $30,000 trucks and think the word ‘fag’ is funny. So I never had guy friends growing up. Besides one awesome friend that I can think of, my guy friends in LA are my first. This may sound like a silly fear or accomplishment, but it just shows how it wasn’t me that was weird or different but the limiting shallow people from back home.

 

Fears or goals I still need to accomplish: Go on a group hike with strangers, take singing lessons and sing at a small venue, background act, revive my hip hop dance days, write an article for another LA magazine.

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