Fear, the Ultimate Paper Tiger

 

This move to LA has rearranged and redefined the word, fear for me. Fear, the emotion that strangles, induces self doubt and the mother and root to anxiety. The actual move wasn’t the fear factor, though it came with its’ anxieties, it is what has happened since.

 

Growing up in Alabama was limiting for me. It’s a place where things are actually black and white, growth is slow and not always mature, and difference is scarce and frowned upon. It was smothering and frankly I was bored. Within years of boredom, I lived a lot in my head creating fears and I was unknown to my own potential. Los Angeles has given me life. This sunny concrete jungle has exposed the bones and flesh of the real me.

After almost a year I believe it’s time to write a personal and vunerable list of these “fears” I have conquered and some of the fears that still tug at me.

 

  1. Surviving in LA

People fueled me with doubt about me moving to one of the most expensive cities on Earth, with nobody and no job. Inside I had no doubt about my ability to pull this off, but there were few positive reactions to this news and that pressure can add up. Well bite into this: three weeks after college I jumped in my car with my two friends and a tent and drove out here. I have an apartment downtown, crazy friends, worked for crazy bosses and I’m going to Asia in 6 months. Their fear versus my impulsitivity is the reason why those people never left their hometown and I live the life I have now.

2. I interviewed and wrote an article on a celebrity. 

I learned how to do a headstand off of a Groupon in a posh SilverLake Yoga studio.

3. Going to the doctor. 

Yes, that is a fear.

4. My first boyfriend.

Concerning boys, I have always felt unloved. Growing up in Alabama the boys never liked me. They did not pay attention to me, and if they did it was for disrespectful reasons. I truly thought there was something wrong with me. That being creative and different was the reason, and I thought I would die never being loved. Moving to LA I have met all kinds of interesting guys, but one man in particular has shown me this love. I had some time in LA before I met him, and I didn’t feel alone when I was. LA has made me gain more respect for myself and began to start understanding and accepting myself. With this new sense of  acceptance and even fondness for myself I can properly be there for him.